Looking for my outlaw

Speak to dream...

Ask me what I want in life and I'll tell you: I want to be happy and help others. I want to spend my days in the company of the people I love and make my life on improving the quality of life for those who have no other options. I desire to take care of those no one else cares to care for.

But my dream... my fantasies...

I long to be married... I'm in no hurry, I see taking a vow as sacred,  I will not enter in lightly, and I dont have time to waste on the wrong guy. I want a partner to share life with, responsability and joy. Someone who can ballence me, with the things I lack.
I want a home, where is of no major concern to me. I could live in the city, I could be happy in the middle of nowhere. What is important to me is that I can decorate inside and out to suit me and my family with DIY crafts and projects. Things hand built with love and care and thoughtfulness with, for, and by the ones I love. I'd love a place to grow food and flowers to nourish the body and soul. Perhaps a dog to warm my feet and a cat to warm my lap.

For many years now, I've stood by the notion that I'm content with just my daughter, but as time goes on, some times I think of what it would be like to build a family further with the right partner. I'm happy with my one, but I could stand to add another or two...

I dont want a lot, and frankly, I could do with someone who's got it better plot out. But, I have energy to spare and am eager to please...

A letter to a ridiculous man

I was once asked by a man that I admire: "Why do you come back? There must be something better out there... and I am horrible to you. Why do you come back?"

Im not a dumb woman. I know in my brain all the things one should know about self respect and only accepting the best for yourself. I've read, "He's just not that into you." Its a great read, very empowering and motivational even. I know all of that wisdom crap.

So why continue to care about someone who is by definition unhealthy for you?
It's really quite simple. You can not help whom you love. Im not talking about love like roses and stars and cherubs floating around. Not that mushy gushy stuff. I mean genuine feel them in your bones, never quite forget them even after days, weeks, months, years... The kind of love you have for family and old childhood friends, your first kiss, or the one you lost your virginity to... That stuff. The unconditional stuff.

This guy... 3 years I've known him... I can't remember everything we talked about that first week, but I can still remember not caring about the sleep I missed because of it. I remember being in awe of his artistic side and wishing I could siphon just a smidge of it to incorporate in to my own work. I remember listening to him strum his guitar and wondering if Id ever get the nerve to sing along with him. It was beautiful to watch. Oh! And he is handsome. I love to look at pictures of him, I wish I had more. His bottom lip... it calls to me. I just want to bite it. And his eyes, I love how they seem to penetrate deep within and read everything. They implore me more than anything to want to tell all my secrets. Its like being emotionally naked, and even better, being comfortable with it. Tall! He's tall AND strong and its enough to make the woman in me weak in the knees and light headed... its bad... And there is facial hair... sends my inner goddess into a torrent... and... and... and... But all of that... all of those things that are on the outside, those are fleeting. Superficial attributes will fade. But after that... there is still this man, who takes care of others in one form or another, who values family unconditionally, who hungers to be seen, appreciated, and loved, who has lived life and been hurt and moved forward. He is brilliant and challenging and beautiful. He inspires me to be more, to grow, to better myself. How can I not appreciate that?

I appreciate and love him, as a person who is worthy of my attention. And ultimately thats where it ends.

I am not the type of girl who pines and twiddles her thumbs as spinster. I'm out there, available and open to meeting new gentlmen who dain to seek my attention. But I do know what I like, and have an idea of what I want in a person and character speaks quite loudly to me. I still have time and when the right peson comes along... or perhaps pulls their head out of their ass, I'll be ready to see where things go... but I'm in no rush.

That is why I come back... I'm not waiting... I just havent found another who meets or exceeds the standards I have... and he is on my heart.