How do you express the things you are far to mortified to say out loud... or frequently in my case text. Its so hard to turn off the filter and just be candid. There is an arbitrary fear that a single series of words will destroy an already fragile thing... a relationship, an ego, a well meaning delusion... arbitrary because if these words, the truth, can destroy these things, then they probably were already there to begin with. But back to the question... how?
I wish I could explain how much a drunken night of silly banter kills me and thrills me all at the same time. It is a double edged sword- in the one hand I love the time Im given, but in the other all I can seem to think is how long will this stint last??? A day, a week... an intermittent month where you come and go as you please?
At what point does it stop being eloquent and turn in to mindless rambling and selfish ranting and how do I clear that line?
I want more of your world. I like who you are and I am selfish. I want the nitty gritty, boring, crazy, quiet that you think makes up the real you. I don't like you for the wired drunken weirdo you let me see. I love the inebriated neurotic part that comes out when the liquor destroys your walls for a moment in time... Im glad you feel comfortable enough to share that part of yourself with me, and that you trust that I won't hate you for it. But I wish you understood that I want the rest of it too. I am boring and quiet and pretty much want to hide from the rest of the world... I just want someone with whom to do it with.
I wish I knew how to eloquate that in a way I felt safe sharing with you...
maybe one day...
